And here I am, confused. Repeating the same mistake again, the same old story, the same vicious cycle. A story of rejection, intimidation, and indignation. A story where the ego speaks loud and the unconscious yell at me, driving me to a situation I have been before. A situation that only hurts me and spread the sorrow and pain around. I haven't desired any of this fate. I never wish to be put in such a contradiction again. I haven't even been trying to manipulate the future. But things happens. They just happen, and I do believe in destiny. How else could I explain what happened? I knew this was trouble at first sight. He knew it back on the second one. I tried to avoid it. We had been hiding from each other for a long time since we met. It was so many excuses that I really thought he had given up. And I can't deny that I felt sorry. But it seems that when it's over it starts again. And this time, the timing was perfect. My heart was broken, hope was falling apart, and the only thing I wanted was to run away. That was when life came to test me. The invitation was filled with cruel intentions. There was nothing to read in between lines. The message was clear and well written: trouble! I knew I should say no. He expected a no. And despite that, I said yes. I said yes. An "I do" that was just a matter of time, as we both agreed later, when our bodies were sweat, our skin shared the same smell, and our individual picture couldn't be distinguished. An ambiguous feeling dominated my soul. Half of me feels weak on not being able to resist to it. The other half feels brave for going for it. I always had a crush on bad guys. And that is because deep inside I'm a really bad girl. I see sweetness into their eyes when everyone else sees madness. I see fragility on their behavior when everyone else sees rebelliousness. I find romance in their words when everyone else hears hate. He touched me inside, and I'm scared. I'm scared because he is a bad guy, the wrong guy, the one who can break me down, as they are gonna say. But I'm tired as well. I'm tired of denying this primal feeling. I'm tired of choosing the good guy and getting hurt anyway. I'm tired of being with the right guy and making everything else wrong. And I have no idea to where future is gonna lead me; I just hope not to keep running around in circles.
